It has been a quieter week, thank goodness. But it has been really enjoyable for all that.
There is no better sound than the death throes of the political parties in Fiji. The sound of their whingeing is music to our ears and you know what was best of all? Hearing them bleat to Australia and that final death moan as they realized Carr Crash couldn't care less.
I have spent some time with the True Leader, Aiyarse, this week. He is fascinating and good company. In fact, he is fast becoming my absolute hero.
Grubby, if you want to get back to the top of my Most Wanted list, you will need to acquire some of Aiyarse’s better characteristics. Just to help, I did some intense research into the matter. (In fact, I went straight to Psychopath in Wikipedia.)
The Aiyarse attributes you need are as follows: Shallow Emotions , Coldhearted, Egocentric, Superficial Charm, Manipulative, Impulsive, Criminal, Antisocial Behavior, a Lack of Remorse, and a Parasitic Lifestyle. In fact, looking at this list you and the True Leader are remarkably alike. The big difference is about 20 years and 20 kilos.
He told me right from a young age he was unlike his fellow students.
He knew what he wanted and that was to be in complete control of Fiji and then the world. He is about 5 years behind schedule but he plans to gain time by bringing the elections forward to later in 2013.
He will announce elections on Feb 15th when all the political parties have ceased to exist and lo and behold the only party will be the RFMF. Fiji will become the Pacific’s first Militocracy.
He is so confident. He was out shopping last week and he ran into one of the pro-democracy bores in a shop. Without missing a beat he went up to the guy and told him in no uncertain terms that it was simply foolish to fight against the Government.
He then lifted up his foot and said “You are an Ant and we are a Boot.” He stamped his foot for emphasis. How cool is that? I bet if you stood on one foot after of a few bottles of Cabernet Shazzer you would simply topple over.
He was also telling me that one of his many perks and benefits of being paid more than $800,000 per annum through his Aunty Nur is that he does not need to pay tax.
That is what I love about Aiyarse, FRCA are cracking down on the whole country except for him and the Glorious Leader. Hypocrisy is like a drug to him. Don’t worry, I put in a good word for both of us and your cheques will continue to be sent to the tax haven of Vanuatu. My salary is paid locally and I pay taxes, but all my kickbacks etc get sent off shore.
The Ministry of Finance is getting a bit nervous about all these payments. They have never received any written directives for the payments through Aunty Nur and so they feel their Arses are fully exposed.
But I hear Filimoni WankaInTheBath, the Permanent Secretary, has taken to recording all his conversations with Aiyarse and Frankly Bananas.
If he is ever called up to account for all these dodgy payments he will say he was only following orders, and then he will play the tapes. WankaGate could be a massive scandal we might have to cover up. Sorry, I am forgetting I control the media so there will never be a scandal.
I did really well financially last week - I set up a water product placement for the Chairman of GOD (Group of Dictators) inauguration. You would not believe how much Fiji Water paid for this picture.
But back to Aiyarse. He was telling me about his security. He is aware he is the most unpopular man in Fiji and has been told by his bodyguards he needs to wear body armor at all times.
He has come up with a very cunning way to make sure he is well-protected. It is something he is copying from President Assad of Syria.
Although in public he is a happily married man he has a dark side as Her Majesty the Queen pointed out last week. But as he has no shame, he is remarkably open about his sexual preferences.
I have to say, Grubby, that on this one you are the clear winner. There is no way I want to get into a threesome with the True Leader and one of his playmates.
Grubby, will you be coming over later? All this talk about psychopaths has got me a bit you-know. Please, come over and don’t forget to bring a bottle of strong voluptuous red Shirazzer.
Hugs and Kisses
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.
Shazzer does not recommend the use of babies as body armour. After extensive testing she recommends Kevlar for its improved stopping power.
Note also that no goats were harmed in the writing of this email. I wish I could say the same for Aiyarse's Decrees.
Illustrations courtesy of Discombobulatedbubu. And you can find more Grubby and Shazzer satire on D-bubu's blog at