We are winning the battle. First we have stopped the whole concept of a democratic constitution and now we have destroyed all the existing political parties in the country - not bad for a week’s work by two Aussies. It was a masterstroke of your's to say each party needed 5,000 members. The only party that can achieve that is the army. All the soldiers will be ordered to sign their allegiance to the army party and we are there.
You know, we have these Chinese satellite spy ships that come to Fiji. Well, one of them intercepted this letter from Her Majesty the Queen to the Governor General of Australia. It's shocking that she stoops so low and interferes in the perfectly legal activities of a sovereign nation. You would have thought she would understand what the word sovereign meant better than anyone.
From Her Majesty’s iPad, typed by Gertrude the House Maid:
I know this form of communication is most unusual but needs must and all that. The situation in Fiji has taken a terrible turn and it is quite obvious to everybody except your foreign minister Carr Crash that Fiji is moving permanently to dictatorship.
I am going to let you in on a very closely guarded secret which I am sure you will honour. My Great Great Great Grandmother, Queen Victoria, set up a system of spy portraits as a way to keep her eye on the goings on around the empire. Every portrait of Her Majesty in every High Commission, every Governor’s Mansion and every office was set up to send mail back to Buckingham Palace by carrier pigeon. In her day it used to take 3 months for the poor pigeons to deliver the mail but what with the Internet it is all pretty instant now. By the way I hope you enjoyed your kippers and scrambled egg for breakfast. Yes, I was watching as you tucked in.
Anyway, I digress. I was quite simply appalled when the President of Fiji, NellyTheCow and the tyrant Frankly Bananas went on TV live to announce they were ending all pretence of returning Fiji to democracy. I was watching it as I was having my first cup of tea in the Royal Bed Room and nearly spluttered over a sleeping Phillip, when Old Nelly said he was getting his legal team to re-write the constitution.
As you know I have been Queen for a long time and before that I was involved in fighting Hitler and Mussolini. The Commonwealth has had its fair share of tyrants. The likes of Idi Dada Amin and Robert Mugabe spring to mind. I have probably met more dictators than most people in this world and so I know a tyrant when I see one and quite frankly Frankly Bananas is turning out to be the worst kind.
A lot of them follow the same path. They come to power thinking the country needs rescuing from a corrupt government, they set out to have a cleanup campaign and they have a certain amount of popular support. Then they realize it's harder to govern than they thought and they are incapable of countering the opposition with debate and argument.
So they resort to intimidation, threats and bullying. At the same time their PR machine makes them out to be the saviour of the nation. They the start to believe their own PR. Now this is where it turns really nasty and this is the point Fiji has reached. The dictator believes he is the only one that can lead the country to a better future. As such he needs to remain in power and he convinces himself he has to stay in power by any means because he is the best thing for the country. This belief is reinforced because all the simpering idiots he surrounds himself with keep saying he is a truly great leader.
The fact that he gets flown to New York in a private jet for the G77 meeting is an added bonus as is all the money in his Swiss bank accounts. But his real motivation is this: he believes he is the saviour of the nation and is too stupid to realize it's nonsense.
As For NellyTheCow. He should be ashamed of himself. He served Governor Foster as his ADC. His Uncle, Ratu Sir George Cakobau was Governor General after independence, His father in law, Ratu Sir Kamisese Mara was president.
Great men have stood under my portrait in Government House. Men of honour, men of distinction; great Men. And he stands there as the puppet of the most corrupt dictator of the South Pacific. He makes me sick. And he has brought great shame on himself. His uncle must be turning in his grave and I hope when NellyTheCow understands the magnitude of what he has done, that he will recant.
It would have been so easy for him as President of the country to have ignored the speech that was handed to him as he reached the podium. He should have shown some backbone and sacked Bananas on the spot and removed him as Commander of the army. It was in front of the TV cameras and Bananas could have done nothing.
NellyTheCow came out with some classic hypocrisy. “We cannot as in the past allow unelected people to make decisions for the rest of the general public in the new parliamentary system.” I seem to remember the only election in which he stood, he lost, when his peers did not want him to be vice president. That my dear Quentin is dictator double speak at its best.
History has taught us time and time again that appeasing dictators is the worst approach. So please inform Carr Crash he is making a train wreck of his foreign policy and he is fast becoming the Neville Chamberlain of the Pacific. Tell him he needs to be more like Winston Churchill.
Miniaturisation has been wonderful and we have been able to apply the spy technology to my portraits that appear on currency. The boffins are still working on stamps. But the Chinese have told Bananas about this and that is why my head has been removed from the currency. A good thing too.
I was getting dizzy watching all Aiyarse’s money being moved around the globe. Switzerland, Cayman Islands, Liechtenstein and even Jersey. I tracked Aiyarse spending locally the other day. He bought a goat and it was not for making curry.
So Quentin the purpose of sending this email (in the old days email stood for Elizabeth’s mail) is that you need to have a strong word with Carr Crash and make sure he has a more appropriate policy to Fiji.
Grubby, that email was sent a couple of days ago and we have already seen its effect. Carr Crash has come out very strongly against the new Political party decree. Got to dash I have 100 lies to tell today.
Hugs and Kisses
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real. The use of honourable in front of a politician’s name is reserved for elected members of parliament. The term dishonourable is more appropriate for Dictators.
A minister goes to Frankly Bananas after the 2014 national election.
Minister: I have excellent news, Mr. Bananas! You won 98.6% of the vote in the election! Less than 2 percent of the people dissented! What more could you possibly want?
Bananas: Their names.
Illustrations courtesy of Discombobulated Bubu. And you can find more satire on Fiji's favourite Aussie couple, Shazzer and Grubby, at D-Bubu's http://discombobulatedbubu.
Coupfourpointfive today also welcomes Shazzer and Grubby as a regular column.