I am not happy with you and your boso at Qorvice. It seems to me that you are all just having one big holiday enjoying yourself at my expense. Just look at these pictures which show you all just partying and getting drunk.
And as for you spending Valentine’s Day with that jumped up little cocktail waitress, Brandy Alexander. That is beyond the pale. You are my little Gwubby and I do not want to see you ogling girlies in short skirts.
It seems to me that Qorvice are sending out their most junior interns to Fiji for a free holiday instead of having to pay them. Look at Benny Someone’s Baby. He can’t be more than 17 and the only time he has ever used a razor is to cut the coke in college.
It is not a surprise that our communications policy is in disarray as you overpaid PR hacks are just drinking our fees away.
I rang up your boso miKY PetroleumJelly the Managing Patner of Qorvice, to complain and ask him to come and see me. And do you know what he said. He could fit me in for 15 minutes at Nadi Airport whilst he waits to fly to Turtle Island for a “business trip” with his secretary who looks even younger than Someone’sBaby.
Now don't piss me off. You really do not want to piss me off. I can cut off your cheques just as easily as I can cut off your pathetic little Gwubby.
Look at the Shambles of our communications policy.
1) The Glorious Leader has got a reputation as a jetsetting, freeloading, being a good time playboy. We need the people to really know that he is one of them and is at home digging Dalo as he is negotiating with World Leaders as the Chairman of GOD (Group of 77 Dictators). If he is to win the election the people must believe he is tirelessly working on their behalf. I know it is BullSh!t but if he goes we all go and I still have a couple of mill to collect on various scams.
2) We just convicted the Fiji Times of Contempt of Court. The world press is treating it as a joke repeating the allegations that we do not have a free judiciary at will. I don’t know about the courts being scandalized, but I certainly am. This needs to stop now. At least we can rely on Judge Willy CalltheChinese unlike Qorvice, our media advisors. Where is that article you promised me written by that Harvard Law Professor you have in your pocket and to whom we gave a free holiday.
3) The Political Parties decree is being seen as restrictive when you and I know it is liberating democracy from the stranglehold the old parties and allowing for the development of the Bananas One Party State. You are not getting the right message out strongly enough.
4) There is talk in the International community that any Western government that is positive towards us is an appeaser. It makes us look and sound like HRH Madam Nazihats’s heroes.
So Grubby I want to hear from you by return about how we are going to turn around this F@rking sh!t storm you and Qorvice have created.
I tell you there are no more free holidays. No more interns coming to learn the trade at my expense. I want experience and I do not mean a fat old lecher like you.
By the way I think your little piece Testing Times has gone some way to sorting the situation out. I showed it to Aiyarse this morning and we both agree that we need to amend the media Decree. Media Owners will need to live in Fiji as well as be citizens. That way we can force Mac Kiss&tel to either sell the Fiji Times at a loss or come back to Fiji to face another trumped up court case.
No Hugs and Kisses to you Gwubby. You need to come crawling to me on your knees begging for forgiveness otherwise I will have your Fiji Citizenship revoked quicker than you can down a Brandy Alexander.
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.Qorvice Charge the Bananas Republic Government over $1m per year. Looking at the pictures their expenses are probably even higher.
Loser Betsandgoes really does list Lance Armstrong as a client. One of his specialties ‘is raising awareness through social marketing in order to foment behavior change’ I bet he finds guns and decrees more helpful to changing behavior.
Illustrations courtesy of Discombobulatedbubu. Check out more Shazzer and Grubby satire at http://discombobulatedbubu.