Khaiyum muscles in on Shazzer and Grubby
Like Queen Antonia, I also cannot refer to you as "darling Shazzer" or whatever Grubby calls you.
For a pretty boy like me, there are sexier fish in the sea, and they are all dying to get my hook into them.
I must repeat what Injustice Queen Antonia has warned you about: YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB.
You have been ignoring ME, the TRUE LEADER.
Don't you understand what a PECKING ORDER means?
Everyone must have a bum to peck, with the Great Leader's bum being at the highest level, which I peck every day.
Have you not heard me so many times referring to
"Our Honorable Prime Minister's vision is this..." and
"As the Honorable Prime Minister promised in 2006..."
Smutty Jobs, it is only because an important person like me has kept repeating "Honorable Prime Minister" on radio and TV that no one remembers he is a treasonous sailor-boy who made himself Prime Minister through a military coup.
So it is absolutely necessary that I daily peck and be seen to peck, at the bum of the "Honorable Prime Minister", to ensure his title sticks with the gullible public.
BUT WHO PRAISES ME IN OUR PECKING ORDER, I ask?
NO ONE DOES.
NO ONE PECKS AT MY SWEET BUM.
This is just NOT FAIR.
After all, I AM the True Leader, making all the hard decisions for EVERY ministry.
Imagine, a kaidia like me, throwing out constitutional provisions that have protected Fijian land for more than a hundred years, and replacing them with my own Micky Mouse provisions that will ensure I get all the commissions for minerals on Fijian land, while they get peanuts.
I remind, it is I, a kaidia not an itaukei, who courageously fronts up to the cameras, day after day, to tackle land problems that the iTaukei did not even know they had, until I explained it to them, in my usual sincere manner.
But I get no thanks.
My bum is not pecked, not even by a single one of all those ungrateful military boys we brought into Cabinet or the Civil Service.
So Smutty Jobs, from now on, one of the key tasks for you and your Ministry of MissInformation is to praise me to high heaven for my work, in all my different Ministries.
I want you to be saying on TV, radio or the rags, on a daily basis:
"As the Honorable Attorney General said clearly from basic economic principles……"
"As the Honorable Attorney General demonstrated in point of law.. "
"As the Honorable Attorney General so tightly wound up the springs for the Airbus to fly..."
You get the picture, Smutty? I may have to stand for elections as well.
I have two other gripes, while I am in communication with you.
First, it is not enough to point out that Australia has been copying my media laws: you have to also point out that the US President has been copying my public speaking style.
In all my public appearances, have you not noticed that I look to the left with my piercing dark eyes and grip the attention of the people there; then I look to the right, gripping the attention of the people there.
Well, this is exactly what Barak Obama does nowadays, desperately copying me.
You need to point this out to that little American Ambassador, Frankly Rude, that Fiji's DickTaters have Intellectual Property Rights on our speech-making and Barak Obama should develop his own style!
Soon he will be copying my speeches, where all he has to do is fill in the blanks and use the words "obviously, ..... clearly ...... in fact...... Holisticly"
This is MY standard speech, when I refer to matters which are NOT OBVIOUS, NOT CLEAR, OUTRIGHT LIES, and straight NONSENSE.
The second point I remind you about Smutty, is that part of the job of the Ministry of MissInformation is to look after my image, and YOU ARE NOT DOING IT.
Recently, there have been FAR TOO MANY shots of me, showing my bulging pot belly, suggesting quite unfairly that I have been attending too many cocktails, while my only exercise is the odd bit of humping to maintain my pretense of a multi-racial marriage.
Smutty Jobs, I need to remind you that had you been doing your job properly, we would not have had to spend $1 million on CoreVice
Unless you pull up your socks, pull your finger out, and begin pecking my bum, we will obviously have to reconsider your contract and send you packing to Australia where you can soon peck at Abbott's pecker (ha ha ha).
Your True Leader
Aiyarse KaiYumYum (OBSA*)
Co-DickTater of Fiji.
This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.
* OBSA: Order of the Bull Shit Artist